Why Final Fantasy Doesn't Make Fan Clubs
by Ghost Faerie
Summary: Kinda selfexplanatory....review please! I've updated the chapters so take a look!
1. Act I

**(Hello! Me and my best buddy Lyra came up with this when we were bored...We love all these guys! And don't worry, we would never intentionally harm Tidus, because we love him (yes we do.)...and no, Dagger and Zidane are still together. He's just naturally intrigued by any member of the opposite sex, and Quina does NOT count! And Cloud's not angry, he's just frustrated...he's never had his own club before.**

**Please don't hate mail us, we had good intentions!) **

Why Final Fantasy Doesn't Make Clubs For Their Characters

ACT I

_In a small backstage room, there is a door with a sign that says "Blonde hair, Blue eye, Main and Supporting Character Club." And within its walls, lies something so sinister, so vile, so..._

Cloud: Tidus, if you whine one more time, I swear...I'm going to knock you upside the head!

_...so incredibly mean and entertaining. _

Tidus: (_sniffles.) _All I said was that I was tired...

Zidane: (_shrugs.) _Well, he is telling the truth Cloud. It is pretty boring in here, and I'm getting kind of tired, too.

Cloud: (_glares at Zidane.) _So what are you trying to say, Zidane?

Zidane: All I said was that it _is_ boring in here.

Cloud: So, what? You don't think we have any fun in here?

Zidane: YES. That's what I think.

Cid: Ok, then, what could we do to make it better?

Cloud: (_interrupting Cid.)_ Hey, who died and made you leader?

Cid: What, you think you're in charge or something?

Cloud: I'm always in charge.

Seifer: _(yelling.)_ When in the hell did you get an ego!

Cloud: _(stands up.) _I have every right to have one!

Zell: Oh, I wanna hear this.

Cloud: Shut up, and listen! First, I was in Final Fantasy VII. Then, I was in Kingdom Hearts—

Tidus: Me too!

Cloud: Shut up, Tidus!

Tidus: _(whimpers.)_

Cloud: I'm going to be in Advent Children, and then their making a new Final Fantasy VII!

Zell and Seifer: _(silent.)_

Cid: So what? You wouldn't even have shown up in Kingdom Hearts if it weren't for me.

Cloud: What the hell are you talking about?

Cid: I took care of all the gummi ships, meaning Sora would be stuck in Traverse Town...I made the whole thing happen!

Cloud: You lie!

Cid: Never! I'm also in EVERY Final Fantasy ever made!

Cloud: _(silent.)_

Tidus: _(smiles.)_

Cloud: So...that doesn't mean anything.

Zell: Looks like you're out of ammo.

Seifer: _(pfft.)_ Loser.

_(The door opens, and Rikku enters the room.)_

Rikku: Hey guys.

Zidane: _(eyes wide) _A girl...

Tidus: Hey, Rikku, how you been?

Cloud: Shut up, Tidus. _(looks at Rikku.)_ You can't be in here.

Rikku: _(scratches head.) _Why not?

Cloud: Because you're a girl.

Rikku: It doesn't say anything like that on the door...

_(Room gets quiet.)_

Cid: So...in Final Fantasy X, she's my daughter! I vote she can stay! _(raises hand)_

_(Zell and Seifer raise their hands)_

Cloud: Why are you two voting?

Zell & Seifer: So we can piss you off.

Zidane: _(raises hand, smiling.)_

Tidus: _(raises hand.) _

Rikku: _(jumps up and down.) _Yay! _(plops down in the chair next to Tidus.)_

Cloud: _(pacing.) _Ok, she doesn't even have blue eyes! And she's one of Tidus' friends!

Rikku: Shut up, meanie! _(chucks shoe at Cloud.)_

Cloud: Oww!

Tidus: _(chuckle.)_

Rikku: _Cunno._

Zidane: _(plops down next to Rikku.) _So...uh, Rikku. What do you do for fun?

Rikku: _(scoots over a little.)_ Um...where's Gippal? _(looking at Tidus.)_

Tidus: Who's Gippal?

Zidane: _(looking from Tidus to Rikku, and back.) _Yeah, who's Gippal?

_(knock on the door.)_

Cloud: Argh, who is it now?

_(enter Gippal)_

Gippal: Hey, where's Rikku? _(sees Rikku.) _Rikku! Come on, let's go. _(pointing at the door.)_

Cloud: Hey, wait a minute, what's your name? _(pointing to Gippal.)_

Zell: Oh, wow...

Seifer: One moment, he's an egotist, the next he's a salesman.

Cloud: He fits the job description.

Zell: Really, what's his job? _(laughing.) _

Cloud: Shut up, jackass.

Gippal: Sorry, man, me and the little lady here are gonna split. _(whispers to Rikku.) _We got a new debut of a machina that can drill holes, fire rockets, and serves beer!

Rikku: _(whispering.)_ No way!

_(they exit, holding hands. The room is silent, with Tidus looking down, and Zidane staring at him,)_

Zidane: Tidus...

Tidus: Yeah...

Zidane: How come she talked to you?

Tidus: I'm not with her; she just walked out with Gippal. I love Yuna! _(both Lyra and Ghost Faerie throw up. He deserves better!) _And besides, you're with Dagger...

Zidane: _(silent.) _Uh-oh..._(hangs head.) _I'm in so much trouble...

_(Dagger appears behind Zidane's chair, eyes big.)_

Dagger: Zidane...how could you? _(runs out of the room.)_

Zidane: No, Dagger, no. Come back, nothing happened..._(yelling becomes softer as he runs out the door.)_

Seifer: Hah. I'd never let myself become a slave for a _woman._

Cloud: Would you become a slave for a man, then?

Seifer: (BEEP) NO! What the (BEEP) kind of question is that?

Cloud: (smiles, eyes narrowing.) Looks like someone's got a guilty conscience.

Seifer: Just keep running your mouth...

Cloud: Why? You gonna do something?

Seifer: (BEEP) yeah I'm gonna do something...

_(Knock at the door.) _

Cloud: What is it this time?

_(Tubby moogle waddles in.)_

Moogle: Kupo! Special Delivery!

_(Hands letter to Tidus.)_

Moogle: There you go!

_(As he starts to leave, Tidus grabs the Moogle's Pom-Pom.)_

Moogle: _(gets in Tidus's face.)_ DON'T TOUCH MY POM-POM!

_(flies out. Tidus fondles with the letter, and reads it. Tidus bursts into laughter.) _

Cloud: Gimmie that, Tidus. You can't handle mail. _(reads the letter. And bursts into laughter.) _Uh-oh. It looks likes _someone_ is gonna be _preoccupied_ tonight.

_(Zidane walks in, and Dagger is behind him. He has a bunch of knots on his head.) _

Cloud: _(laughs.)_ Whipped! _(silent for a little.)_ Hey, wait a minute, she can't be in here. Look at her hair, look at her eyes, she needs to go.

Zidane: She looks just like that other chick you talk to. Shut up.

Dagger: And how do you know what she looks like?

Zidane: I played the game...

_(Dagger pinches him.)_

Zidane: Oww! _(Whispering.)_

_(Grabs glass of water, drinks.)_

Cloud: But on to bigger things..._(eyes Seifer.) _

Seifer: Don't look at me like that, fag.

Cloud: _(Announces.) _It says, "Can't wait until me you sit under stars, dance night away, and make love next to open fire. XOXO...XXXXXXXFrenchX. Signed, Quina."

_(Zidane spits out every bit of the water he drank. Gasps for air.)_

Zidane: OH MY GOD! _(Dagger pinches him.) _Owww!

Seifer: What? Who is it?

Zidane: I don't know if you want to meet IT. _(Staring idly at the floor.) _

Seifer: Is she hot?

_(Room goes silent.) _

Cid, Cloud, Zell, and Tidus: _(stare over Seifer's shoulder, and begin making faces.) _Oh...

Seifer: What...what the hell are you guys staring at?

_(Two big, ENORMOUS, white hands cover Seifer's eyes. A big tongue droops over his shoulder.) _

UNKNOWN VOICE: _(husky, stupid voice.) Guess who? _

Seifer: _(getting irritated.) _Who the (BEEP) is this?

UNKNOWN VOICE: You know who, HOTSTUFF.

_(Seifer pulls hands off and finds Quina in a bikini behind him.) _

Quina: _(winks and blows a kiss.) _

Seifer: _(full of fear.) _What the (BEEP)...

Quina: Give to me BABY! _(lunges forward, yanking on Seifer's pants.) _

Seifer: Get the (BEEP) away from me, you shim!

Quina: _(throws tongue forward and licks Seifer's cheek.)_ You deny me, make me mad! HOT CRAZY! _(hops over chair.)_

Seifer: AHH! _(runs out of room. Quina chases after him.)_

_(Room is silent.)_

Cid: I have officially seen too much.

_(Room looks at Tidus, who has a camera in his hand.)_

Cloud: Good boy, Tidus. _(tosses Twinkie.)_


	2. Act II

**(Ok, ACT II. Me and Lyra were talking about this for almost 4 hours. Planning this was so fun...WHY CANT ANY OF THIS BE REAL! Tidus is the angry drunk because...well, you know. Cloud (Thanks to that loser Tifa.) is in an inner drama, and Zell loves R&B! XDD And Seifer can't hold his own...loser! XD)**

Why Final Fantasy Doesn't Make Fan Clubs

ACT II

_(Cloud, Tidus, Zidane, Seifer, Cid, and Zell are all sitting around a table crowded with liquor, whiskey, and party drinks. They are all DRUNK.)_

Tidus: _(angry drunk.)_ What are you looking at Poof?

Cloud: _(sad drunk.)_ Stop calling me that...

Tidus: Or what?

Cloud: Just stop it..._(whining.)_

Tidus: As if "Cloud" wasn't fruity enough...lets just call you Poof!

Zidane: _(leaning on Cloud.) _Hey, Cloud, whatchya doin'? Lets play a game! Lets play spin the bottle.

Cloud: I don't wanna..._(lies down on the couch, turned away from the rest of the room.) _

Zidane: Yes you do, cuz you're giddier than a school girl!

_(Zell crosses over to the couch and sits down next Cloud.)_

Zell: _(singing drunk.) _I know what will cheer you up._ Ahem: __Unbreak my heart...say you love me again..._

Cloud: No one will ever be able to unbreak my heart...NEVER! _(bursts into tears.) _

Cid: _(horny drunk.)_ Well honey, what's wrong? Tell Cid what's wrong...

Zidane: _(laughs, off in his own world..)_ Ha...HaHa...Cid hears a cootchy callin'...take me with you! (big, dopey smile and still laughing.)

Seifer: _(stupid drunk. stands up and trips over table.)_

Cloud: _(still crying.)_

Tidus: Argh...shut up bitch! _(slaps Cloud on the back of the head.)_

Cid: You're so angry...let me make you happier...

Seifer: Cid likes roosters, and not kitties...

Tidus: Shut up, you imbecile...

Zell: _(still singing.)_ _Hush, little Cloud now don't you cry...Zell is gonna buy you an apple pie..._

Tidus: Those aren't even the right words! _(swings at Zell.) _

Zidane: _(hugs Tidus.)_ What are you doing, you silly goose? Come on, where you wanna go? Lets go eat chocolate and drink more margaritas! Wanna do that? Let's do that. LET'S DO THAT!

Tidus: Get off me, monkey! _(pushes Zidane to the floor.)_

Cloud: I'm not good enough...

Seifer: I can't walk, that's funny.

Zidane: What do you mean you're not good enough?

Cloud: I'm not good enough to have a number...

Tidus: Excuse me? I don't even exist! BABY!

Cloud: Stop it, leave me alone. Why doesn't anybody love me?

Tidus: You treat me like crap all the time! I hate you! _(bursts into tears.) _I hate you!

_(Tidus flips the couch.)_

Cloud: _(looks up from the ground, rubbing his head and curling into a tighter ball.)_ He always hurts me, always...

_(Tidus has steam coming out of his ears.)_

Tidus: You are so full of shit. You always yell at me, and tell me to shut up, and treat me like I'm nothing. So shut the (BEEP) up!

Cloud: I know, but I don't mean to...and I'm mordunate an betayuhink...imbariteendj..._(sobbing uncontrollably and slurring everything together.)_

Seifer: _(strangely thinks he understands, nodding.) _I know, right.

Zell: _What about, all about? The things that you said. What about, all about? Promises that you made. What about, all about? The nights that you gave. What about, all about? Things you told me...What about us?_

Zidane: Yay, lets sing! Come on, Cloud. Get up and sing. What song do you like? If you like it I like it, what song do you like?

Cloud: _(still lying on the floor.)_ Fuerdaluffagahd...animaduaduiee...TRANSLATION: For the love of God……and hell if I know! Tifa never really loved me...I'm ugly and scrawny and blonde..._(weeps.)_

_(Conversation between Ghost Faerie and Lyra.)_

Lyra: What do you mean "the hell if you know"?

Ghost Faerie: It's supposed to be that way.

Lyra: Ok, why?

Ghost Faerie: Because, dude. Just drop it.

Lyra: Nah, dude, I think you should translate it…

Ghost Faerie: It can't be translated.

Lyra: Why not?

Ghost Faerie: Because it was supposed be just gibberish!

Lyra: Dude, that's gay……_(reaches for the key board. GF slaps her hand.)_

Ghost Faerie: What do you think you're doing?

Lyra: Change it man!

Ghost Faerie: _(pushes Lyra.)_ Quit your shit!

Lyra: Move DOUCHEY!

Ghost Faerie: Get bent Tits McGee!

Lyra: BADGER BUTT PLUG!

Ghost Faerie: Titty wrinkle!

Lyra: Cock Head Crease!

Ghost Faerie: You're a little slut, and you LOVE it!

Lyra: How DARE you! _(slaps GF and knocks her into the power box. The whole house gets dark.) _

Ghost Faerie: Oh, sure, you just had to knock me into our POWER supply…

Lyra: Hey, at least it's a lap top.

Ghost Faerie: Yeah, you're right……hey don't change the subject! It's time for a good lashin' BITCH! _(suddenly drops to the floor like a robot with dead batteries.) _

Lyra: Oh, look, her anti-depressants and really powerful Ritalin wore out. Guess I'll continue with our story…………

_(BACK TO THE STORY…………)_

Tidus: We're all blonde, you little girl!

Cloud: Stop it; I'm not a little girl...

Seifer: _(spacing out.) _I wish I were a little girl...then I can braid my hair into cute little pig tails and put pretty bows in it, too.

Zidane: _(all smiles.) _I wanna learn how to braid hair! Let's all give each other a makeover!

Tidus: (BEEP) no.

Seifer: Yeah let's do that. _(Starts to walk over to Zidane, but trips over the couch.)_

Tidus: Pfft. Walk much?

Seifer: _(little stars circling head.) _Why, yes I do.

Cloud: Nothing can ever make me beautiful...I don't even have a number...I'm not worth anything...anyudunifenkaer... TRANSLATION: and you don't even care…(sobbing.)

_(Voice sounds from above.)_

Lyra: I'll call you number 17, because 17's my favorite number! (She's obsessed with android 17. And for good reason...XDD)

Cloud: _(looks up with tears streaming down cheeks.) _I...I can't believe it. I have a number...finally...ihafanumberliesefeeroth...TRANSLATION: I have a number like Sephiroth. _(sobbing again.)_

_(Tifa walks in.) _

Tifa: Cloud? Why are you crying?

_(Room goes silent.) _

Cloud: _(looks over at her.) _Why are you here?

Tifa: I don't know. I just saw the door open...

Cloud: Well, get out! I hate you!

Tifa: What the hell is wrong with you?

_(Zell walks in front of her, and grabs her hands.)_

Zell: _I know you; I walked with you once upon a dream. I know you; the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam..._

_(Tifa jerks away from him. Zell becomes frustrated.) _

Zell: Quit your shit, bitch...ahem. _And I know it's true, that visions are seldom more they seem. But if I know you, I know what you'll do. You'll love me at once, a way you did once upon a dream._

_(Tifa pushes him into the wall.)_

Tifa: ANYWAY...what the hell is wrong with you Cloud?

Cloud: Therenothing wrongwit me.

Tifa: Are you drunk?

Cloud:_ (astonished.)_ Wow, nothing gets pass you!

Tifa: Hey, would you look at me?

Tidus: Pfft. He never looks at you, because your other two girls are prettier than _you._

Tifa: What did you say!

Cid: Oh, Tifa, you're like a torch. So hot...

Seifer: _(looks appalled.) _EWWWW...

Cid: What's wrong with me? I'm hitting on Tifa...

Tidus: You've been hitting on all of us, you queer!

Cid: Takes one to know one. I mean, look at your shorts. One leg is longer than the other, which makes you bi!

Tidus: WHAT'D YOU SAY!

Cid: Oh, baby, don't be so upset...

Zell: _(suddenly appears next to Cid.)_ _He's saying I'm on a roll, with all the girls I know. His baby momma don't need to know. He's saying I'm on a roll, with all the girls I know. I know you wanna hit that. I know you wanna hit that, HIT THAT! _

Cid: Wow, Zell. I never realized what a great voice you had..._(moves a little closer to Zell.)_

Zell: _(stays quite for a bit.)...__Move, Bitch. Get out the way! Get out the way, Bitch, get out the way!_ _(pushes Cid over.)_

_(Quina enters. Oh no...)_

Zidane: _(looks over at Seifer and starts laughing.) _Dun. Dun. DUN!

Seifer: What? _(sees Quina.) Oh no..._

Quina: I bring Qu Tequila and vibrat-Uh...pringles.

Seifer: Even being drunk off my ass doesn't make you any prettier!

Quina: _(blushes and tongue gets longer.)_ You always say that...

Zidane: So, Quina. Have you picked out any curtains yet? _(laughs.)_

Seifer: Shut the hell up!

Quina: Oh yes! Me pick out two sets!

Seifer: _(stands up.) _Zidane..._(walks around Cloud but still trips.) _

Zell: _(can't help himself.)_ _So, darling, there you are..._

Seifer:Don't start that shit with me! _(pushes Zell into the wall. Quina latches on to him, riding him to the ground.) _

Zell: _(sitting back up and seeing the couple, he begins another song.) __If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Takin' is too easy, friendship never ends! _


End file.
